Today

I spent the late afternoon up until a few minutes ago (1:30 a.m.) playing Madden 20. It makes me feel bad. I don’t know why. Perhaps I feel that video games pull me away from socializing with my family. Maybe I have a guilty conscience?

Kate Upton has nothing to do with post, but why not?

As I write this, my heart is skipping beats 4-times consecutively. It drives me up the fucking wall! To be honest, I think my heart is part of the reason why I have a hard time of sleeping at night. It comes to a complete stop, then…BOOM!

I’ve been playing QB1 mode Madden. You start out as a longshot quarterback in college, then you go on to the NFL. I got drafted by the Miami Dolphins. Played with them for four seasons, and signed with the New York Giants after winning the Super Bowl.

I didn’t want to play for the Dolphins anyway.

Like I said, I feel bad for playing it so much, but my attention span ain’t worth shit anymore. I feel bad for most things wrong with my life.

I guess that’s how it goes.

What do I know?

What do I know? Not a damn thing! Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I know that the earth is round, Facebook sucks and it makes me feel like a fucking zombie and I wish it would die already. I know I’m tired of living here at my sister’s house and having nothing to do. I’m tired of feeling like a moron. I don’t know. Maybe I should own up the fact that I am a moron. What’s the definition of a moron anyway? Just looked it up: a stupid person! Okay. So I’m stupid! Fuck! I can’t win!

Earlier today, I was watching videos and documentaries on YouTube about nuclear weapons and hydrogen bombs during the arms race.  Then it went to the possibility of an asteroid hitting the earth.  We’re fucked if that ever happens!  Then I thought, you know, I tried writing a post-apocalyptic story once; I can try again!  A couple of hours of research and writing later and I realized, you know what, no I can’t!  Write what you know!  And I don’t know Jack Shit!

How stupid of me?!

I’m having a hard time of falling asleep at night. I lay here, toss and turn, scratch my ass and ballsack, and get more pissed off by the minute! The last few nights, I even tried melatonin. Did that work? Fuck no! I still tossed and turned! Maybe I should try swallowing an entire bottle. Can you overdose on melatonin?

I could download porn again, but what good would that do? I’d go on a downloading binge and wind up feeling worse about myself than what I already do!

Remember the post I wrote a little while ago about America’s Greatness? Look at me writing this like someone actually reads this blog and like someone actually cares. Anyway, it was probably the best work I had done in quite a long while, and it wasn’t really something I wanted to write about. I miss the the graveyard and the caretaker. You know, the kind of writing where I was really able to explore my mind and creative side. But, fuck me! I can’t even summon the mental capacity to do that now!

I don’t know. Maybe stupidity has something to do with it!

America’s Greatness

I’ve heard people say that America has never been great. And it really pisses me off! It does! And nine times out of ten, it’s usually some whiny ass, liberal cry baby saying it! Or some black person who’s still pissed off about slavery!

Look, I get it. Slavery, no matter what country you’re in, is a bad thing! Be that as it may, slavery in the United States ended over a century ago! To be precise, it ended in 1865 with the 13th Amendment. That’s 155 years ago!

What the fuck do you want me or someone else living today to do about it? Let me wave my magic wand and erase it completely from existence!

These same liberals who say that America has never had a time of greatness, are still pissed that Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton. Let’s make this perfectly clear: Hillary Clinton lost the election for herself. While Donald Trump was talking about jobs, she was talking about America’s moral obligation in allowing a man to use the women’s restroom because he feels like a woman! (Insert Shania Twain here)

Take this dumb broad for instance. Notice how she says: It was never great in the first place.

Now, whether or not you’re a sports fan, I want you to go out, find someone who’s wearing a Michael Jordan jersey and tell them that he was never great! That he was never any greater than, say…oh, John Starks. Which Starks was highly overrated, of course. I want you to tell them this and see how long before their fist collapses your nose!

And to be honest, the NBA has never been the same since. It hasn’t. It sucks! Ass! The last player who epitomized greatness in the NBA after Michael Jordan was Kobe Bryant. Lebron James, Steph Curry. Just a bunch of overpaid, cry baby bitches, if you ask me!

Win the national championship, refuse to go to the White House because of the man who’s occupying the building. Fuck off! Most Americans would love to have the chance to see the Oval Office and say “Mr. President”. I know I would! And I wouldn’t care if they be Republican or Democrat!

Jimmy Kimmel. That’s another cry baby bitch! Have you noticed how with almost every single guest he has, he has to bring up President Trump? You’re an entertainer! Entertain! He even tried it with Peyton Manning. And Manning doesn’t even speak ill of his opponents on the football field! Why would he speak ill of the President of the United States?

I’ve gotten off track here. Where was I? Oh yeah! Cry baby, bitch ass liberals and their stubborn refusal to admit that America has had and continues to have moments of greatness!

We’ve already covered slavery. It was bad. Okay. We get it! Let’s move on!

Abraham Lincoln

If scroll up to the screenshot I provided, you’ll see where dumb broad, bitch ass liberal woman said that Abraham Lincoln was really the only President to bring about change in United States. I bet, dear reader, that you and the dumb liberal broad both still believe that Abraham Lincoln was the abolitionist schools today purport him to be!

On August 22, 1862, President Lincoln penned a letter to the editor of the New Your Tribune, Horace Greeley. In it, he said:

My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not either to save or to destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that. What I do about slavery, and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the Union.

So, you see? Lincoln didn’t give a flying fuck as to who owned whom! In his own words, his “paramount object” was to preserve the Union. On December 18, 1865, Secretary of State William H. Seward declared that the 13th Amendment had been adopted. And that took an effort of Congress and the states. Not Abraham fucking Lincoln!

It should be noted that at the time Lincoln wrote this letter, the Emancipation Proclamation was laying on his desk.

The Declaration of Independence and the Revolution

At the same time that liberal cry babies claim that America has never been great, they fail to realize how close we came to a completely different world than the one we know today! Had our Founding Fathers never answered the call to freedom, or had been crushed by the Royal military, America would now be splintered into several different factions.

Can you imagine a world today where the east coast is controlled by the British? A southeast controlled by Spain? The French (maybe) would control the south, on up to the midwest. And Mexico might have control of the west. Let it be known that there wouldn’t be a single Native American left breathing.

Historical fiction and what-ifs can only lead to conjecture!

On July 4, 1776, fifty-six delegates from the Second Continental Congress declared with a mighty shout that the thirteen colonies were sovereign states and no longer susceptible to British rule. John Hancock, being among them, made his signature the largest of all. The American War for Independence was fought from April 19, 1775 to September 3, 1783.

I can only imagine the patriotism and pure joy of those young Americans as the King’s Royal government conceded to American sovereignty!

The War of 1812

Some historians call the War of 1812 the actual war for American independence. And to them, I say, “fuck you!” The United States kicked British ass twice! And we did a good job of it!

The British, being the vindictive fuckers that they were, instigated war with the United States by running blockades of our harbors and cutting off American trades and goods. Threatened in the west and the north, American forces faced the daunting task of repelling attacks from British military and British supplied Native Americans. On June 18, 1812, President James Madison signed into law a Declaration of War handed to him by Congress.

The war wasn’t without its tribulations. Washington D.C. was sacked, and the White House, having only been twelve years old at the time, was burned. British soldiers captured Capitol Hill and mocked our legislative process. And a despondent President Madison fled in exile.

It was during this war, that Francis Scott Key awoke on a cool September morning, and found the American flag still flying high above Ft. McHenry for the battle of Baltimore. He penned a poem and we know it today as “The Star-Spangled Banner”.

I’m not a complete historian and I’m not about to write down every point and fact of war. However, the United States twice was able to repel the British empire and rise from the ashes.

This may or may not be Shania Twain, but why not stick with the theme?!

Other Instances of Greatness

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I’m going to wrap this up before I lose interest. The assertions from liberals that America is not great, that America has never been great, simply confounds my mind. Has the liberal media been that successful in brainwashing the masses into being that disappointed in their country?

Or are they still pissed that Hillary Clinton lost the election? I vote the latter.

The fact that they can disregard the sacrifices of American troops and allied forces, storming the beaches of Normandy is appalling. Did you know that President Roosevelt had two addresses prepared? One for success and one for failure? History hung in the balance. Somewhere in an alternate universe, I fear that history has a different tale to tell.

Let’s fast forward nearly twenty years to the Kennedy administration. Here was a man mired in the sands of war. Either way he went, it was the Soviet Union or Vietnam. Let’s not forget Cuba. The movie Thirteen Days, starring Kevin Costner, Bruce Greenwood and Steven Culp, told the intriguing and harrowing tale of a trio of men who struggled to keep two nations a step away from mutual annihilation.

Sure, there were flashpoints that were beyond President Kennedy’s control and would have forced his hand in all out war, but he kept his head in the midst of war mongers.

But no! The Declaration of Independence, the American War for Independence, the 13th Amendment, the war of 1812, WWI, WWII, rights for women and African-Americans, the preservation of the Union, American inventions and innovations-none of these qualify the United States to the level of greatness.

Instead, liberals constantly look in the rearview mirror, condemning America’s past; a history that is beyond our control. They are an embittered lot! Criticizing those who support the President, assaulting fellow Americans for wearing “MAGA” on their shirts and hats and stealing campaign signs from their front lawns.

And all the while they preach this fucking rhetoric, they don’t realize how cowardly and ignorant their words are. For it is by the sacrifices of men and women alike that they have the right to speak these malicious words!

What do I pray for?

One of the hardest things in the Christian life is prayer. You wouldn’t think that it’s that big of a problem, but it is. It isn’t easy to pray when you feel unworthy or feel like your words are meeting a brick wall. My every day life right now is so bland; one day is the same as the next. My life is filled with such ennui, I can’t even summon the motivation required to masturbate. I borrowed that from the movie Yes Man. But it’s true.

I pray for my wife and children. I know what I want to ask for them. But myself? I draw a blank. I pray for strength and it feels as though strength never comes. I ask for an increase in my faith, and it feels like the reinforcements never arrive. If I am supposed to be doing some “spiritual growth” right now, I don’t even know where to begin. One of my greatest fears is that once I get back home, I’ll be right back to where I started.

Church

I went to church this morning. It’s sort of like a mega-church. Well, one or two steps shy of being a mega-church. Anyway, going into it, I guess I had hopes that I would receive divine wisdom, that somehow, I would receive a revelation.

But I was wrong.

They condense the service down to an hour. And when you place manmade restrictions on your church services, it’s hard for the Holy Spirit to move. I don’t know. People have such busy lives, we fit God in for only an hour a week. Or, as a friend once told me…when all you want to do is talk, the Holy Spirit will take a seat.

I had hoped that going to church this morning would make me feel better. But it didn’t. I feel as empty as I ever was! The sermon today was having joy in the midst of suffering. I’ve never been able to make sense of that.

I’m not being persecuted for religious beliefs; I’m going through a tough time because of my stupidity. 

The same goes with the law versus legalism versus grace. Can anyone make sense of it? Can anyone fathom it?

I’m not running the church down. They serve a purpose. They have a ten-piece band. And throughout the worship portion of service, it was stand up, sit down; stand up, sit down. Finally, I just remained in my seat. Why do members of the congregation stand during the emotional portions of a song?

The Lord owns my heart. Everything I have is His. I want to be a faith healer for Him. But right now, I just don’t see any way that I’m going to get there.

Lord, I know that you want me to see the bright side of what I’m going through; to have joy in the midst of my sorrow. Forgive me, Lord, but right now I just can’t. I miss my wife and family. Lord, if you don’t help me, I can’t get through this.

Suicide

Suicide is a feeling of hopelessness; a feeling that nothing is going to get better. Feeling like the rut you’re in will last the rest of your life. Despite your best efforts, the walls of the canyon you’re mired in, stretch upwards for miles.

Webster classifies rut as a noun: a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change. It leaves little to wonder why alcoholics stay alcoholics, and drug addicts stay drug addicts.

People preach Christianity as if the moment they repent or give their lives to the Lord, they will stop facing temptation. As I heard one preacher say, “get saved ’cause then you won’t. I got saved and kept on doing.”

We teach morality without love; anger without mercy. We teach get saved, don’t sin, and conveniently forget the words of Jesus Christ when he said, “I have told you these things that you may find peace in me. For in this world, you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world.”

Sadly, too many of us lose heart long before we finish the race.

Sleep

There is no equal balance of sleep with me. I either sleep too little, or too much. I can’t sleep at night. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m here at family’s and my wife and children are at home, but when everyone goes to bed, I get anxious. I can’t sleep. I lay down and toss and turn. Maybe the house is too quiet. Maybe the silence reminds me of jail; the silence I heard apart from the occasional iron door slamming shut or the hollering voice barking orders. I know I spent only three days in jail, but still. I start messaging people, hoping someone’s awake and will see it. It’s all for naught mostly. I’m holding on by the thinnest thread of faith.

I’m holding on…

About Face

I fell back into old habits of viewing and downloading porn. I don’t know what made me think I can control it; one video becomes another, becomes another, becomes another. If I were addicted to a harsh drug like cocaine or heroin, I’d be dead by now.

Do you ever look at your life and ask, how did I get here?

I’ve been asking myself that a lot here lately.

I can’t shake this feeling of worthlessness, because I am worthless.

You know, there just aren’t the words to beguile the way that I feel right now.

I even had an erotic story all lined up to write and publish. Not now.

A friend of mine asked me not long ago if I have any goals for myself; wants?

No. The only thing I’ve done thus far is just exist. I guess not wanting anything is easier than wanting something and not getting it.

So, now, I’m turning a blind eye to the porn. I don’t want it anymore. I haven’t wanted it for quite some time. Here’s to day one of sobriety!

Heavenly Father, if you don’t help me, I can’t get through this! If you don’t give me the strength the stand, I will fall! Help me, Lord Jesus! I’m sorry. Please forgive me, Lord! In Jesus name, amen.

Off the Wagon

I succumbed to temptation and viewed porn this morning. Never before have I experienced withdrawals this horrendous; this constant. There are no words of consolation; no comfort.

I failed. And I feel like a disappointment.

Like a ravenous lion, pornography stalks me from the shadows. It watches me limp to safety, holding out my hand to the Cross, and it waits for me to stumble and fall.

Is there no one to catch me when I fall? Or save me in my despair? Am I all alone in the war over my mind?

Porn Withdrawal Syndrome

The years I’ve spent being a heavy user of porn have taken their toll. The last few days-maybe even longer-have not been fun. I guess what I am going through is to be expected: irritability, anxiety, lethargy, stress, difficulty sleeping. All of these are signs of addiction withdrawal.

I don’t think that I have ever experienced anything as bad as this. Apparently, symptoms can last up to six months. My brain is rewiring, and with it comes a whole slew of shit I have to deal with. Trepidation about the future, being among them.

I was confident about the future. Combine these withdrawal symptoms with my mom’s constant need to lecture me-yeah, not so much now.

Fucking sucks!

I looked up hand-bra GIFs on the internet and clicked off of them real quick. I’m not really all that interested in opening that bag of snakes. I hope God doesn’t fault me for going through this. If He isn’t going to deliver me outright, at least give me the strength to stand and weather this storm.

There’s a Facebook AT&T advertisement of a woman doing a happy little dance to music that sounds like Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit in the Sky”. I’d watch it over and over again, because I found it slightly erotic. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I found a guy on Facebook marketplace who is selling vintage erotic books. Satan got the best of me and I began trolling him without the intention of buying. I asked if the were very descriptive and this is what he sent:

I don’t know about you, but whoever’s mom that is, sounds like she is getting the proper throat fucking! Who would want to sit and watch their mom get fucked anyway? Not me!

I shouldn’t have done that, I know. If only life had a fast forward button!