For the last few years, I have been enthralled with monkey videos on YouTube; cute monkeys, abused monkeys, sick monkeys, monkey baths, lonely monkeys-doesn’t matter. I’ll watch them all. And it all started with me typing in a search of smacking a monkey. And it took off from there!
Now, I am sure that there is a psychosis for this, but I don’t give a flying fuck! It could be worse. I could be watching gay midget porn! Oops! Is it okay to say “midget”? Or does it have to be dwarf? I don’t know. Dwarf sounds so much more, I don’t know, insulting.
Let’s face it, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was a fairytale! Wasn’t Snow White raped by the dawrfs? Nope. On doing some meager research, Snow White wasn’t raped, but according to Dr. Spencer Reid of Criminal Minds, Sleeping Beauty was raped by the King in her sleep. Either way you go, it’s fucked up.
But that’s the way Disney movies usually go. They whitewash the original story to make them more palatable.
In the original version of Snow White, the Queen wanted a huntsman to take her daughter out into the woods, kill her and bring back the little girl’s lungs and liver. And this story was written in, what, 1819? And people say that Stephen King is fucked up?
I’ve gotten off the beaten track. Stay away from gay midget porn.
Where was I? Oh yeah! Monkey videos.
At first, I was somewhat offended by some of the monkey abuse videos I found on YouTube, but then, I remembered I was looking for videos of people smacking monkeys. I will say this for the Chinese: one, they can really FUCK UP the world’s system (that is if you really believe the COVID-19 virus came from a bat in the first place); two, hearing them talk is so fucking annoying (ching wang chaw oosa!, if you don’t think that’s funny, then you can get the fuck out!); and three, they’re really not fans of monkeys (or, any living creature, for that matter; let’s face it, the Chinese don’t put much of a value on life; hey, they fit right in with the Democrats!).
Now, I could say that I like to watch videos by American monkey owners, but then I’d be lying. They talk too fucking much, too! But usually, they’re trying to explain shit to potential monkey owners. It’s like just smack the motherfucker on top of the head watch him have a tantrum! But no! We Americans have rules and laws and Democrats, and we’ll prosecute just about anyone for any-fuckin-thing to the point where our prison system is overrun!
Nope! Give me the monkeys who are having meltdowns and tantrums because “mommy” is walking away with the milk bottle, and the little tree rat is walking bipedal with his arms outstretched, squawking its fuckin head off! That’s valuable entertainment!
Take this pretentious American cocksucker for example! He’s patting himself on the back because he and his wife own a green monkey. You can’t have a job, can’t have friends, can’t go on vacation! Why? Because you got a monkey!
Motherfucker, that’s my life! Well, I have a job and my wife stays home, but other than that, that’s my fuckin life! Think owning a monkey is so fuckin special? Try being a special needs parent to three autistic boys and tell me how much “free time” you have and stress levels and no taking vacations.
Someone commented to one of his videos and asked that when and if he and his wife start having kids whether or not they’ll keep dear, sweet Mojo. And he said, “yes.” Riiiight!
Want to know the difference between a monkey and a child? You can get rid of a monkey and not break the law and no one is the wiser. You get rid of your kid and your happy ass is going to prison! Get off your fuckin high horse!
You think you’re so goddamn special because you own a fuckin monkey? Give me a fuckin break! Want to know how long it’s been since my wife and I had a vacation? Five years! Five fuckin years! My wife’s sister watched our boys for all that time, and before, my oldest loved her. Send him to stay with her for five days, and now he gets pissed at the mention of her name.
I don’t know. A guy on YouTube taught his monkey’s how to shit and piss in the toilet, so you must not be that fuckin smart!
If anyone reading this knows this guy and his wife or you follow his channel, Mojo the Monkey, please, steer him towards my blog.
I watched a video one time, and it was a compilation of monkey smackers. Anyways, there was a guy who had a monkey in a cage, and he had a shit ton of people over watching a soccer game. And the monkey was going fuckin ape shit (no pun intended; actually, it was intended). The guy gets up, goes to the cage, and the look on the monkey’s face was priceless…like, oh shit! I’ve really fucked up now! And the guy started smacking the hell out of the poor thing! Then it showed a video of a brain dead monkey. Either it fell out of a tree or somebody took a lead pipe to it.
I particularly like videos of baby monkeys falling out of trees and plummeting to their death.
Or take the YouTube channel Humans Against Monkey Abuse, for instance. These pretentious cocksuckers-by the way, want to know where I got those two words from? Pretentious cocksuker? George Carlin. I don’t agree with him on religion, but when it came to government, he was a fuckin genius. Think there aren’t conspiracies out there? Look at how much governments keep from their people!
He used that phrase to describe singers who use only one name; Cher, Bono, Sting. And for Bono, it certainly fits. He went before the United States Congress and testified that a good way to defeat terrorism is by comedy. Because, after all, that’s how we defeated the Axis Powers during World War Two. No, pretentious cocksucker! We defeated them with bombs, bullets and nuclear weapons!
Well, the Axis Powers were defeated, but fascism and Nazism were not. They are alive and well today!
Winning the war on terrorism is as useless a rhetoric as “end racism”. What the fuck do you want me to do about ending racism?! I’m not racist. What? Am I supposed to block traffic and burn down buildings and destroy public and private property to show that I am not?
End racism insuates that only white people can be racist. While we’re at it, why don’t we push to end a lot of things? End bullying! End gossiping! End rape! End child molestation! Here’s one O’biden and his cronies don’t seem all too worried about: let’s work to end sex trafficking?! End being a pretentious cocksucker!
I’m not even going to really touch on Humans Against Monkey Abuse, because these assholes show videos of monkey abuse, and these pretentious cocksuckers act like they’re crusaders for a greater cause! No! You’re entertaining thousands of us and you’re giving me writing material!
Here’s a subject I’ve been quite enamored with here lately: monkeys getting stuck. Watching these videos, one can only conclude that these fuckers didn’t get there on their own! Take a look at the following pictures.
I’m quite convinced that these two monkeys are one and the same! In both cases, the monkey is thoroughly exhausted, and looks as though it is about to give up. Look the monkey stuck in the big blue doors, or whatever the hell that is. See the sadness? The “what the fuck am I struggling so hard for”? It might be a direct reflection of me.
Take a look at this American douche bag, pretentious cocksucker! He started a cult following on YouTube with his baby monkey, Curtis. I was trying to decide then, as I am now, whether or his monkey videos were cute or ugly. People tuned into his channel to see Curtis, not this egotistical cocksucker.
And then…all of a sudden, Curtis was gone. To start off with, the channel was called Every Wednesday, Every Wednesday Family, now it’s called 4Jay. And 4Jay has turned his channel into…I don’t know what the fuck you’d call it. I know it doesn’t have any shortage of nasty women with fake tits, fake asses, fake lips and probably fake vaginas.
What pissed a lot of people off, myself included, was that there was no word on what happened to Curtis. Did he give him to someone? Send him to live in a sanctuary? Or did one of his dogs get a hold of him and shake the monkey shit out of him?
Did “4Jay” find Curtis on the floor, broken and bleeding with blood oozing from his mouth and gasping his last breath?
And if that wasn’t bad enough, some time later, he got another monkey and named him Marco. As far as I know, Marco hasn’t been in a video for three months. And every time I ask “where is the monkey”, my comment gets deleted.
It’s common practice in China and other countries in that part of the world, that when a monkey has outgrown its usefulness, cuteness and overall torture ability, the owners just return it to the forest and certain death. They build their channels on these tree rats, and when it comes time, they start over. And 4Jay, being mum on what happened to his monkeys, when a lot more endearing fans than I are clamoring for what happened to them with no honest explanation, puts him in the same category as his Chinese counterparts.
He got rid of Curtis when Curtis outgrew his usefulness (honestly, I think one of the dogs got a hold of him and killed him). And then, to try and reel his monkey fans back in, he got another one. He stooped to a new low of douche baggery!
Honestly, I’d like to own a pet monkey. I wouldn’t be mean to it. At least, I don’t think rhat I would. Oh, and you have the jackasses who try to shame monkey owners by saying that they ripped the monkeys from their mothers! Who gives a shit?! Have you seen the way monkey mothers treat their young? Downright deplorable!
I don’t see people saying that when a puppy is taken from its mother at six-weeks old and spends the next week crying its heart out! Fuckin pretentious hypocrites! You thought I was gonna say “cocksucker”, didn’t you?
I’ve been writing this post for a while now on my phone, and to tell the truth, my thumbs are getting tired.
I started a story about a guy who kidnapped a neighbor’s monkey because the monkey threw a rock at his dog and busted his eye. If you haven’t read it, I’ll make it short and sweet for you. He keeps the monkey down in his basement in a cage and tortures it. One of my favorite parts is where he gets the monkey right on the dick with a tazer.
Anyway, eventually, he grows tired of cleaning up after him and wants to kill him. But then he knows he would feel sad because he wouldn’t have anything left to torture. He goes through the irritating process of having the words fuck this tattooed on one arm, and fuck life tattooed on the other arm in bold, black lettering, and a crude mockup of a middle finger tattooed on the monkey’s chest and belly. He decides to let the momkey live and secretly returns him to the monkey’s original owners, whom by now, have moved on to another monkey.
With a monkey so traumatized, I’ll let you decide what happens to Kevin the Monkey.
Don’t read this post with such disgust. The world is a shitty place. And we all have to play our part.